Ranking the Musical Numbers in "Cats" (2019)
Kitty Ian McKellen gets top marks!
On Monday night, I was one of over 100 Bay Area theater people who descended upon a suburban movie theater prepared to guffaw, gasp, and heckle our way through the Cats film while wearing sequined cat ears — and lived to tell the tale.
Although there were indeed many moments of inadvertent laughter and sassy audience comments (I will never forget my friend Alisha shrieking “OH NO, IT’S THE PHANTOM!” when Macavity plunged the cats’ theater into darkness), it feels like a lot of Cats reviewers are competing to out-snark one another, unwilling to admit that there could be anything enjoyable about the film. I like to give credit where it’s due, as well as making fun of the ridiculous, so here’s my ranking of the musical numbers in Cats from best to worst.
(Please also note that the New York Times reviewer claims to rank the musical numbers but actually does not, and I am therefore providing a greater act of service journalism than the Paper of Record.)
“Gus, the Theatre Cat.” Sir Ian McKellen is the perfect choice to play a shabby but dignified old “theatre cat,” and he acts this song with the specificity he would give to a Shakespearean soliloquy. He’s clearly having a ball pretending to be a cat, but he also doesn’t condescend to the material. The result is genuinely touching.
“Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat.” Energetic, cheerful, and uplifting. Steven McRae’s tap dancing is amazing, and I can’t remember the last time I saw a movie musical pay such respect to tap. And the fantasy sequence on the train is whimsical in a good way.
“The Jellicle Ball.” At the midway point of the film, this impressive dance number is, again, one of the purest displays of choreography I’ve seen in a movie musical in a long time. Try to forget about the CGI ears and tails, and just enjoy the chance to see world-class ballet, modern, and hip-hop dancers do what they do best.
“Magical Mister Mistoffelees.” The updated libretto lends this song a new urgency, as the other cats sing it to give Mistoffelees courage as he attempts to use magic to bring back Deuteronomy. We all sang along in the theater and it felt very much like clapping to bring Tinker Bell back to life.
“Macavity.” For all the hype about Taylor Swift being in “Cats,” I was surprised that her role merely consisted of delivering this one song. However, she hits her marks in a way that suggests that she (like me) spent way too much time watching Moulin Rouge in her formative years. Bombalurina’s entrance, descending from the rafters in a cloud of sparkling catnip, is very much like Satine’s first entrance, descending in a cloud of sparkling diamonds. Only, you know, if Satine were a cat who wore glittery character shoes.
“Memory (Prelude) / Beautiful Ghosts.” Before these songs get reprised in bombastic versions at the end of the musical, they form the basis for a quiet character moment between Victoria and Grizabella. Francesca Hayward has a sweet little soprano that suits her innocent kitten character, and it’s really fitting for a song about “dancing with these beautiful ghosts” to be a waltz.
“Memory (Reprise).” The musical’s most famous song doesn’t make the impact it should and even made me laugh inadvertently at times. Jennifer Hudson certainly has the pipes for the key change at the end, but she makes some weird acting choices, especially when she sings “I must wait for the sunrise” while making a face that says “WTF, I have to wait for the sunrise!?”
“Old Deuteronomy.” This song is kind of boring, but Robbie Fairchild sings it well and has some nice dance moves with Francesca Hayward. And it allows Judi Dench to make a diva entrance, emerging from the London fog in her Cowardly Lion-esque costume.
“Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats.” The opening number is a lot to handle right off the bat, which is why it was probably wise for them to turn Victoria into an audience-surrogate character, just as baffled by this tribe of singing, dancing, writhing street cats as we are. But, I mean, it definitely sets the tone for the rest of the film?
“Mungojerrie and Rumpleteaser.” This song is just kind of… there? Part of me wonders why they didn’t try to get more star power for these roles. Danny Collins and Naoimh Morgan get the job done, but without making much of a real impression. Also, this is one of the songs where the weird horniness of Cats comes to the fore. It’s unclear whether Mungojerrie and Rumpleteaser are trying to recruit Victoria to their life of petty crime, or trying to recruit her for an incestuous threesome.
“Grizabella the Glamour Cat.” Another song that’s just kind of there. The other lady cats are so mean and slut-shamey to poor Grizabella that I’m really surprised none of the characters made a stupid pun about how they were acting “catty.”
“The Addressing of Cats (Finale).” Look, one of the problems with Cats is that its finale is objectively lousy. After Grizabella sings “Memory” and ascends, there’s really nothing else for the show to do. But couldn’t they at least end it with something high-energy and fun, like a reprise of the Jellicle Ball? Instead, it ends on this weirdly solemn chorale, which is made even weirder by how Judi Dench sings it while looking straight into the camera.
“The Rum Tum Tugger.” The camerawork in this one is pretty frenetic, and as it zooms from a London townhouse to a bizarre Art Deco “milk bar,” it doesn’t hold still long enough for me to understand why Jason Derulo is a famous pop star. I also wonder if part of the problem with this song is that it characterizes the Rum Tum Tugger as a Mick Jagger-like sexy rock star. That archetype was current in the early ‘80s when Cats premiered, but it isn’t very relevant in 2019 and even less relevant to the film’s 1930s-ish setting. So it feels like no one knew what to do with this character and song.
“Bustopher Jones.” A thesis could probably be written about Changing Portrayals of The Upper Crust in Hollywood Films, using this sequence as a key argument. The Bustopher Jones poem/lyrics describe a self-satisfied “gentleman cat” who dines at London’s finest clubs, but the film undercuts this portrayal by showing Bustopher diving into garbage cans and dining on refuse. It feels like the filmmakers think the audience won’t understand a highbrow character, so they have to cut him down with lowbrow humor.
“The Old Gumbie Cat (Jennyanydots).” This sequence is quickly becoming infamous for its human-faced mice, human-faced cockroaches, and Rebel Wilson doing pratfalls and unzipping herself out of her own cat skin. It is completely unhinged and totally unbelievable (aren’t cats supposed to be graceful? And do they actually eat cockroaches?). Wilson also has the weakest singing voice in the cast.
And, if you've read this far, you'll begin to understand the biggest problem with Cats the film. If you compare my ranking to a chronological list of the songs, you'll see that the film is front-loaded with some of the worst numbers in the show and there aren’t any really outstanding songs until the middle of the film. Something like “Skimbleshanks” comes as a welcome surprise for being genuinely fun and charming as opposed to the nutso horrors of “Jennyanydots.”